Quality Time

Time is a big issue for most people, as it is considered our most precious commodity. We want to be careful how and with whom we spend our time. And really no one can be blamed for being picky about it. The balance between needs and wants is very sensitive and we all want to make sure we are getting the most out of our time.

One of the biggest areas people feel they don’t get enough time is with family members, and more specifically with their significant others. We want to spend time with the one who makes our heart beat faster, the one who sends flutters down our spines, the one who supports us daily whether it’s emotional or monetary or physically. But for some reason the overwhelming majority of the couples I know seem to be lacking in the area of quality time. They want more time to have nice dinner dates, go to the park and walk hand in hand, take in a movie or go on vacations. Between work and home there don’t seem to be enough hours in the day, or are there?

My husband and I have been together almost ten years and there was a time in our lives when we felt the same way. Where was our quality time? But when we took the time to look at a little closer we realized that we had to make the time and then take the time. We go on small dates to Starbucks or McDonalds. When we go to the Y for our workouts we enjoy a free cup of coffee and some conversation before we hit the weights. We take a short trip to the mall and do a little window shopping. Before I leave for work in the morning he makes me a very quick breakfast and we eat together. Sure some of these things require me to wake up a few minutes earlier or go to sleep a few minutes later but I am willing to do what it takes to share quality time with the man I love.

The time is there but we had to decide to take the time and just learn to be appreciative of what we had. Quality time does not have to be an expensive date or candle lit dinner (though there is nothing wrong with those things). Sometimes all it takes is the willingness to sit down and just be together and enjoy each other’s presence. Well, that’s how it works for us and we are happily going on to ten years of loving companionship. Just a thought…

Accepting the Story

I’ve noticed that some people may have issues relating to or accepting books that are in opposition with their personal beliefs. For example if you believe that anything having to do with demons has to be “bad,” can you read a story with a “good” demon? If you don’t believe in having sex before you fall in love would it ruin the story if the couple sleeps together on their first date? If you don’t believe in ghosts can you get into a ghost story? If you don’t believe in aliens can you buy into a story involving extraterrestrials?

I’ve noticed my own reading preferences vary wildly. Whether the story is in line with my personal beliefs or not doesn’t affect how I feel about the plot or characters. If the author creates believable characters and an engaging story I can buy into it as long as the story is true to the motivations of the characters and the situation. That’s not to say I’ll like every word of what’s written, but I can accept the world as the author has presented it to me in that particular piece of fiction.

How about you?

Don’t Judge Me! (Warning Rant Ahead)

I will be the first to admit that I have some rather unorthodox views about life, love and spirituality. I believe that we should all be free to learn and discover and find beliefs that fit each of us individually. Sadly, there are far too many who don’t share this belief. During my lifetime I’ve been looked down upon, judged harshly, called all types of sinners and told I was going to not so nice places. I’ve been told I was wrong to live my life the way I do and for people to make these types of judgment calls about me without even knowing me makes me sooooooooooo angry! Picture a large fire breathing dragon with a thorn at the bottom of its foot. Yeah, not pretty.

Anyway I personally feel that we shouldn’t be JUDGING each other anyway. We should be working to accept each other as we are. Our differences make us unique and beautiful. Diversity should be used to learn about our wonderful differences not used to tear one another down. None of us are perfect. Deal with it!

/rant

Love of Writing/Reading

I’ve recently noticed that I love to write for a lot of the same reasons I love to read. I want the fantasy, with just a little realism tucked in. I like to get away, go somewhere far and wonderful without having to leave the warm comfort of my home. Learning about the worlds that others have created or even better yet, being the one to create the worlds takes me to another level, another place.

Reading and writing both allow me to escape from the pressures of every day life. I like romance because I know the escape is going to be a good feeling one (I love happy endings!) This is what I’m looking for when I’m reading or writing, something to make me feel good, even warm and fuzzy. Sure not all romance or fiction is warm and fuzzy but for me it’s a big fat bonus when it is. I can deal with the harsh realities of life when I come crashing back down to earth but in my fantasies I want to be swept away on a cloud of feel good.

What do you like about reading or writing?

Happiness is a Choice

I don’t get to watch TV often, but it’s always fun when I get something more out of it then a loss of precious brain cells (reality TV anyone). Whenever I can, I like to watch the show “Monk”. There’s this character that gets goofed on A LOT, but in the show it never seems to faze him. No matter what, he is always happy.

The last time I watched, Monk asked him how he always managed to stay so upbeat. He replied that happiness is a choice, one that he decided to make. The statement really made me stop and think. Maybe he was right. Sometimes life really hits you HARD and you feel like you’ll never recover but we can and we do! But how would we feel if we worked on being happy as much as we worked at our jobs or our relationships?

We work hard to make other people happy all the time. Why not put some of that energy into making ourselves happy? Some may think it sounds selfish but what is life if you NEVER think about yourself? I’m not saying don’t ever think of anyone else, but to make sure we take some time to take care of ourselves. We can’t depend on someone else to make us happy. Why not choose to be happy today? Why not choose to give ourselves a little time and do some things that bring some happiness into our own lives?

Body Image

Yeah there’s a big one. It seems that these two little words reek so much havoc on a lot of our every day lives. The media tells us we should look one particular way, eat a certain amount of food, weigh only so much, get a tan and the list goes on. My question is who are they to tell us how we should look and feel? Who are they to tell us what we should be striving for?

I think as human beings we certainly put enough pressure on ourselves to look and feel a certain way. Who is to say who’s way is right and who’s is wrong. As a matter of fact I think right and wrong are subjective anyway and should not be forced onto the public at large (regarding this particular topic anyway).

I’ve noticed that body image and appearance preferences differ from person to person, region to region, culture to culture and so on. Where did I get such a ridiculous notion? Well the advantage of being friends with a diverse group of people is that I get to hear a wide variety of view points. Our differences are so fascinating that sometimes it just bowls me right over.

For instance I am a black female (Like you couldn’t tell that from my pic lol!). For the most part (I say for the most part because I don’t like blanket statements.) being skinny/thin is not looked upon favorably in our culture. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had family or friends try to stuff food down my throat because I needed some “meat on my bones.” Or to be the friend who always got looked over by all the boys because I was the dark “skinny” one. Now the funny thing is, 5’5” and 125 lbs is probably not too skinny for most cultures, oh but if you lived in the same neighborhood as me you didn’t really make the cut. The boys wanted the luscious girls. They wanted the girls with the wide hips, thick thighs and the perky behinds (I thought that rhymed just leave me alone ok.) Anyway I didn’t have any of that and after a while it really weighed on my self-esteem. I tried my damndest to gain weight. All of those little things they say not to do I did and you know what? I didn’t gain squat! Grrrrrr!

Anyway when I tell certain friends about my desire to gain weight when I was younger they look at me like I’m a deer with two heads. See, some of them come from cultures where being thin is in. What threw them even more was that when two of them went to Africa not one man went near the skinny one. The one who the men would have been tripping all over themselves to get to, had they been here in the US, didn’t even get a second glance. But the woman, who would have been told she was fat or unattractive, here, was the one who got ALL the attention, over there. Does this mean I personally think skinny is bad? Ok for my body type yes but in general no. What it does show me is that not everyone wants the same thing and that we are all beautiful to someone. The anorexic looking models that the media tries to shove in our faces should not be who or what we are modeling ourselves after. This goes for guys and girls, because if you ask me a male model with his ribs poking through his flesh is not attractive, but hey maybe there is someone out there who likes it…

Yes my ramblings do have a point, just let me get there. I think the most important thing in the world is to be a healthy human being, emotionally, mentally and physically. No matter what, the aim should be to work on being the healthiest people we can be. I had to learn this lesson the hard way and spent years being miserable with terrible self-esteem because I couldn’t accept who I was. Why? Because for so long I based my idea of beauty on what someone else thought instead of just loving me. I think this is what it all boils down to. Love yourself and be the healthiest you that you can be. Screw what everyone else is trying to shove down your throat. What do they know anyway?

The Realistic Heroine

Today I want to discuss the realistic heroine? What makes her realistic? What kind of traits do we want to see in a realistic heroine?

I read A LOT of books (mostly romance) and I’ve read about all types. I think it’s true that you can’t put all women in a box and say, “They all act like this,” so neither can we do this with heroines. I like to believe that I can find something to like in all of the different types of heroines, but non interest me more than the Power House Woman and the Quiet Innocent.

I actually love them both but at times I don’t agree with the way they are portrayed. I think a woman can be strong without being overbearing and a woman can also be Quiet without being week. The trait that can make or break either one of them for me is stupidity. Now just hear me out before throwing rotten veggies.

The Power House Woman can be a force to reckon with. I also think she may be the most popular. She can be a kickass woman who won’t take crap and knows who she is. That doesn’t mean she has to be overbearing and stubborn to a fault. There is one instance that realty sticks out in my mind (I’m not going to name names). I remember that the heroine was in trouble and there was NOTHING she could do to help. She was paired with a strong alpha hero who was much stronger and had the abilities to deal with the situation (without her help) and the only thing she could do was slow him down and put them all in danger. So what happens? She forces her way in anyway, insists on going KNOWING that she can’t do anything to help (these were her thoughts) but because she didn’t want to be told what to do she makes a big issues out of going. What happens next, you ask? She faces horribleness that no one can save her from and is scarred for life and puts everyone in danger and does nothing to help. Hmmm… I think to myself as I try really hard not to throw the book against the wall, I can’t see how this was necessary. To me it just made her look stupid not powerful.

You’d be surprised at how many times I’ve read similar scenarios and every time I think, “What a moron.”

Now I have read stories where these women are done very well. They are secure in who they are and refuse to be left behind, not because they are being babies about being told what to do, but because they actually have something to contribute. They can actually do something productive to make the situation better. These are the types of heroines I want to read about.


Then we have the Quiet Innocent. She’s not very assertive, unless TOTALLY necessary and she is unsure of herself. This woman at times is looked down upon, but why? She’s realistic in a lot of ways. Not every woman is the power house type and most of us have our own hang-ups and personal issues we’re dealing with. She may not be able to kick everyone’s ass or tell everyone off but she has a quiet strength that she can summon up whenever she NEEDS it. She may not be a force to reckon with but if she is pushed to the limits she can do what needs to be done. So, what if she depends on the hero, at times don’t we all WANT a hero to depend on? Isn’t it nice to pass the reigns over to someone else for a while? Though women are strong we certainly don’t have to do everything on our own. The only time this heroine pushes my buttons is when she just can’t think for herself EVER. She’s so much of a mouse that she can’t even stand up for herself and she is completely clueless of the ways of the world. I don’t care how innocent a person seems to be, there are just something’s that every adult should know.

What I’ve noticed is that it’s the traits of the heroines that stand out to me. Some can be level headed and sure, some can be rigid and uptight, some can be demanding, some can be unsure. There are a variety of traits that can be used to make up a heroine, but I’ve noticed that some of them are frowned upon even if they do represent a percentage of women who truly exist.

I actually relate better to the hero when I write versus the heroine so I struggle with making likable heroines. The one that comes to mind now is the initial version of the woman created for my alter ego’s short Locked in Love. In the initial premise the story begins with an argument where the heroine thinks (with good reason) that the hero has cheated on her. She has had issues with past relationships and constantly takes them out on him. He deals with it because he loves her but at this time she is being truly unreasonable. She can not see or hear past her own pain to realize that he is telling her the truth about not being with other woman.

The heroine was hated so much that the premise had to be changed because there was no way the story could stay the same and remain true to the character. The thing that got me was the commentary received on the story. She wasn’t likeable, but she was not intended to be at the beginning and was supposed to redeem herself at the end (which apparently failed). A few people thought she was a bitch, and that she should down and look at things rationally and be more level headed.
Wow, just wow!
In real life if a woman (or man for that matter) was presented with this exact situation how many of them would be nice, instead of a bitch or an asshole? How many would be rational, calm and level headed? None that I know of, including me. If you thought you’d found concrete evidence that your significant other was cheating on you, someone that you loved and devoted time energy and effort to, would you be calm? Why should she have been?

To take it further I asked the men that I know if they’d ever been treated the way the heroine treated the hero. I didn’t get one no. Obviously that means that the behavior was realistic and plausible. So this lead me to the conclusion that, though we say we want realistic heroines that may not be completely accurate. Sure the idea sounds nice, but when confronted with something that may be a little too real, I get push back every time. I think we want someone we can aspire to be like, someone we can look up to but a flawed woman completed with issues and insecurities might be a little too much to handle? Tell me what you think. I’d love to know!


Stop by and see my alter ego for a discussion on the realistic hero.

Is Chivalry Dead?

I think not.

Where is this coming from, you ask? I work around a lot of women on a daily basis. I hear negative things being said about men all the time and I even hear negative jokes. Some jokes are funny (and may have some truth behind them) while others are merely tasteless. If a woman dogs out a woman he’s just supposed to man up and take it, but let a man say something about a woman. He’s wrong, he’s a jerk or he’s just no damn good. While men have been known to say some things that were just way out of line, so have women.


The way a lot of women talk about men, people wouldn’t think there was a good guy left in this world. Contrary to popular belief, however, I have been noticing nice men everywhere I go. Nine times out of ten if I am going through a doorway and there is a man in the vicinity I won’t even get a chance to touch the door let alone open it. Most of them even smile while they do it. I have guy friends who have never let me pay for a meal, pull out my own chair, walk on the portion of sidewalk closest to the street, or go through a doorway after them.

Yes, there are gentlemen out there and I want to take this moment to solute them. There are many of them out there and they sure as hell don’t get enough credit as far as I’m concerned. *smooches to all*